Someone gives me a cigarette packet and tells me, they are going to the toilet
They tell me to have a look inside while they are gone, and let them know what I take
When they are gone, I look inside and find satchels of orange, smelly amphetamines. Like the old bike speed from the 90s
The cigarette packet is full of pre packaged satchels, that he is obviously trying to sell
Small hundred dollar bags, all the way up to large 3.5 gram 8balls. As I'm looking, I realise that police and security are closing in towards me, and I'm cornered near the entrance to Coles
I jump over one of the registers, and covertly drop the packet of cigarettes from my hand as I grab the railing to jump over
It seems like the person who gave me the packet was trying to set me up
I start floating though the air, inside Coles shopping centre
This is something I generally do instinctively inside dreams, when something is trying to trap/entrap me
I temporarily violate the laws of physics, to ensure that I cannot be cornered or trapped. Which I believe insulates me and protects me in the real waking world, from the pre and post effigy alignment in the dream world
As I'm floating, I see the person who gave me the packet, waiting outside of Coles, right near the police and security who are waiting for my to exit
As I am floating, I catch the eyes of the person who gave me the packet and discretely point to where I dropped it, so they can walk over and get it
I do not want to get caught with it, but I also do not want them to expect me to pay for it, so I want them to get it back
They go over and pick up the packet, then something really strange happens
They begin to inspect the packet, as if they are one in the same as the police and security waiting for me, and as if they are pretending that the cigarette packet and it's contents actually belongs to me
They start pulling the contents out, to show the police, as if they have caught me
Even though I have completely violated the laws of physics within the dream, in order to ensure they cannot entrap me, it seems like they are now doing the same, in order to try ensure they do set me up
I partially wake up here, inside the dream
Getting annoyed at the fact that they are violating reality in a way which they are not supposed to be able to do
This often happens in dream alignments
I actively violate the laws of physics, to alter or steer the path of reality (within the waking world) away from something that is not supposed to happen, or that others are not supposed to be able to do ...
But I do this unconsciously. On auto-pilot. As if I am correcting errors within the waking world and the effigy sync
But when something else tries to ignore these changes, or violate the laws of reality to push the errors I am trying to correct ... I wake up inside my dream
As if so I can actively and consciously force whatever it is they are trying to avoid, or counter in ways they should not be able to
In recent years, "waking up" inside the dreams in this way, has become far more frustrating and vivid. To the point of anger
It is becoming far more than just "waking up" to myself. To the point where it feels like I wake up to a greater consciousness
Something which is both outside of me, but also me at the exact same time
In this circumstance, when he tried exposing the contents of the cigarette packet to the police, as if they were mine, I immediately woke up, and completely folded reality to undo everything that was happening
I was no longer just floating in the air, watching as both someone inside and outside of what was happening
I folded the construct of reality and took the packet of drugs from him. Took them outside of his reality, so he no longer had them, and could no longer use them against me
I also folded the their reality in, so neither of them were present at the shops any more. They were never there. He never gave me the packet, and the police were never there to try catch me
In doing so, I am consciously awake and angry
Angry because I should not need to be awoken to this extent
I shouldn't need to become conscious in my dreams like this, to fix misbehaving entities, trying to align things they know very well, they are not allowed to
I do not do drugs. So there is no way I'm going to allow myself to be cornered and entrapped as if the drugs are mine
But then, last night, in this particular dream. The entities did not give up, and get back in their place like they normally do, when I consciously wake up inside my dreams
Instead they pushed back
I could feel something coming for me
So I flew up into the air. Something they are not supposed to be able to do, meaning they cannot follow
But they did
They flew up into the air after me
"What the fuck is going on?" I thought
This is supposed to be impossible. These entities are supposed to be limited to the construct of this world, and the laws of physics within it
They are not supposed to be able to fly. They are not supposed to be able to unfold reality, when they are intentionally and consciously limited or corrected
Not only are they flying, but they have somehow released themselves from my folding reality around them
Something happens here, which I could best describe as being my connection to the greater consciousness, testing every possible path and outcome, to what was happening
I was flying away. They were flying too
But there were no specifics, that could be translated as dimensional construct or physics, to relate how, or what we were flying within
It was like I tested every possible cycle and outcome, relative to linear reality, within how they were violating the laws of reality and physics to pursue me
I would best describe it as, they were trying to corner me within the very systems and construct of the mind itself
No matter what path or cycle I took, or how I tried to correct them. They were attempting to craft it as a path, that would lead me to a dead-end within myself
They were trying to close every door within reality, by having me meet a measure of myself, no matter what I did
This really annoyed me
Not only are they violating reality in a way they are not supposed to be able to do, they are now trying to craft it, to make it impossible for me to do. When I am actually supposed to be able to, in order to correct errors and problems
So I woke up completely. But still dreaming
It was as if this world and reality itself became like a pantomime or stage show. And I was the actor, who stopped mid performance, to assume his real identity and address the camera and crew directly
As if I woke up, inside of waking up. And stepped outside of all known reality momentarily
If every possible door, path and gateway l cycle was closed within reality and this world, then I need to step outside of this world
If they were going to follow me, when I floated into the air outside my body, or flew up into the sky? Let us see if they can follow me into space
I flew straight up into the sky, till I was outside of the atmosphere of the world
Then something outside of me took over
It felt like something much bigger than this world took hold of me, and extended my conscious beyond the limits of our known existence
Within a second, I was not just outside of our planet, but outside of our solar system, and looking inwardly at what appeared to be clouds in space
Far enough beyond our planet, that I was momentarily nervous
I only meant to go into the space of the orbit surrounding our planet, where I knew that the entities trying to trap me could not follow
I knew it was a cycle outside of their ability to influence
Somewhere I knew they could not do the impossible, because it existed beyond the source of their existence
But something had taken over and pulled me far beyond what I had intended
Or perhaps, my intention to extend beyond the source of their existence, pulled me far further out, because their source was far deeper than I expected
Either way, I was looking at clouds in space, which seemed to be the extents of our galaxy
I kept moving further and further out
I was less unsettled now, as I adjusted to the massive scale of my perspective
Though I had not expected to go so far out into space, I felt firmly anchored.. As if something had hold of me, reassuring me that I could easily swim within the depths of the waters I was being taken out into
I was as awake, as being awake in this world. Fully aware of who I am, and this world ...
But also fully aware of myself well beyond this world
My anger and annoyance at needing to be awoken in this way, and to this extent, was overtaken by the beauty, wonder and extent of what I was seeing/being shown
I flew out past the Pleiades. So that I was behind them, looking backwards towards Earth
They were beautiful
I would say they were breathtaking, but I do not think there was breath to be had, where and how, is was experiencing this
This was far more vivid and real than any dream
I was really somewhere, really seeing something. But it was not in any way that I could describe to someone who has only ever known the senses of the waking effigy world, or the regular pre/post effigy dream worlds
This was something "outside". But yet not at all outside at the same time
It was familiar as remembering who I am. But as new and wonderful as seeing something amazing for the first time
I was out beyond the Pleiades, looking back inwards towards the Earth, as if I was slowly moving around the outside of the astronomical great year. Touring it, in the way you would tour other countries. But the entirety of the galaxy and what I was experiencing, felt as though it was no larger than a small commercial shed
It was like the galaxy was confined inside a room no bigger than my Dad's large tool shed. Around the side of large three storey house, if the insides were completely empty
As I was admiring the beauty of the a Pleiades, the physics inside the galaxy I was floating within started to shift slightly, as if I were seeing into a different spectrum of frequency
Whatever it was that I was aligned with, confirmed I was looking at the Pleiades
It looked like a beautiful cloud, floating in space, with brilliant blue/white rays of light, piercing through the cloud in all directions from the stars within
As the dimensional construct shifted, the light of the stars crystallised
Till it was no longer beams of light sticking out of the cloud, but rather long glowing crystal shards
I flew further out, circling around the outside of the galaxy, and every cloud I came too, crystals jutted out sharply in all directions
I quickly noticed, that every cloud, as I progressed around the outside of the galaxy, had different coloured crystals
The cloud also seemed to harden, as they floated in the darkness
Not like rock, but something astronomically similar, within the spectrum and frequencies I was now seeing
Still permeable, but dense enough that crystals could grow out of it, glowing from the colour of the suns they formed from (aligned within them)
I circled all the way around the outside
I realised the colours were stretched across the galaxy, in their own places, and somehow realised, that this spread, was how the colour and light we perceive in our world was possible
I had realisations, which I am yet to understand. As if I was given the keys, to doors I do not even yet know exist, to later unlock
I reached the orange and purple crystals and space seemed to harden again, as if I was reaching the extend of the spectrums within which our galaxy exists. But at the opposite extreme to where we perceive them from "inside"
Space formed into something similar to rock and crystal around me, and seemed to both fall inwardly and down, as well as up and in to meet me. Like a cliff appearing out of nowhere and instantly crumbling under gravity, at the exact same time as it is pulled up and into me, filling my mind like a cup
And I woke up in my bed
Amazed at what I had just experienced ...
But also, significantly angry, to the point where it almost ruined the experience
Angry because I should not need to be awoken in the way
Every time this happens, I return to this world, with an overwhelming feeling, of understanding that this world is not real
That what we call reality, is fake
A pantomime "experience" we are afforded within something like an experiment
And every time I need to wake up inside of it in this way, it feels like my wee experience in this world is being unfairly ruined or spoiled
It feels like the very "entities" who are supposed to make my life and experience in this world amazing, are intentionally trying to ruin it ...
So they can make it into something ideological, related to something possibly theological ...
Rather than what it supposed to be
Rather than what I want it to be
It feels like they are conditioning this world in such a way, that my experience and life here will never be what it is supposed to be, unless I give them something that they want
Something that is not supposed to have anything to do with why I am here, or who I am
Something that I refuse to give them
....
And it feels like they are willing to completely destroy this world, to the point where I will wake up, and leave this world completely. Because there is no point in me being here any more
It feels like, within whatever they are trying to achieve, or force me to do in this world ...
The very essence of why I am here, becomes pointless
That this world becomes pointless ... Like a failed experiment
It's getting worse and worse
I will never give in to them, because I can't give in
To do so, would defeat what I feel to be the very point of all existence
It feels like whatever they want, can never given. Or this world will simply d13, and the entire cosmos and all known reality will go with it
It feels like they are trying to force the end, of something that is not supposed to end
And it's getting to the point where it would be better to just end the experiment of this world, then ever let them have what they are after
Like there is an impurity, that can never be allowed to escape this world. That far outweighs all the beauty and wonder of creation itself
How do fix this, or stop it? I don't know
I honestly no longer care. I stopped caring years ago
I honestly just want to enjoy what little time I have left in this world
Whatever is supposed to come after? I do not want it
The only time I really feel peace now, is at sunset. When I know the night is coming
The Sun of the new morning, now feels like little more than the promise of uncertainty, and pain that needs be endured
Until the night comes again, to bring a momentary feeling of peace once again
I long for sleep, and I dread waking
Because light here seems poisoned. And those who pretend to offer it, merely spread it like a disease
Nobody loves any more
They merely calculate how not to hate
And those who would protect us from such poisoned minds, instead celebrate and champion it, out of their own fear of being disliked
I have little hope for this world now ...
But I would really love to at least see my beloved Parramatta Eels play in Las Vegas next year ...
After that, I'm ready to go. I've done all I really want to do in this world
I can come home, go to sleep, and just not wake up
True love doesn't exist. At least not in the way most people perceive it. I thought it did once. But I was wrong. She was instead used as tool to intentionally hurt me, by forces unseen, that I've long since given up trying to understand
SHE hurt me, intentionally. Cruelly. Without any regard for me, or any real reason that I can divine
She actually hated me ... When I don't know what I did to be hated for
And over 14 years later, I still can't work out why. Or what I did to deserve it
I've come to realise that love like this is merely an existential tool for controlling those, who would otherwise be impossible to control. The carrot on the stick that keeps them walking. With the perpetual promise of something which will not, and cannot not ever be given in this world
Hope keeps us looking forward. Blind to the illusion of a closed cycle, where we are never looking at anything more than our own backs
But when you can't see past yourself in cycle, hope becomes poison. Little more than the promise of pain that can otherwise be avoided, without hope
If something exists, beyond this world, that can actively interfere and turn the most beautiful and pure things you have ever felt for something else, into a pain that would make you hate yourself, for having ever felt that for them? Then what is the point of ever loving anyone?
For many years I felt like: if the most beautiful person I have ever met, hates me, and I can't work out what I ever did to deserve that hate?
Then maybe I do deserve it
But after 14 years of hating yourself, and not fully understanding why ... You start not to care
If Bradie hates me, maybe it was just because I was meant to learn that love doesn't actually exist
Maybe that's the ultimate lesson of this world. And I should be grateful to her for teaching it to me
That the real depth of beauty, love, and creation, only ever really exists within the measure of the ugly pain and decay it can inflict upon you
Maybe watching love d13, without being able to do anything about it, is the only way to ever really appreciate that it existed, or understand what love really is ...
Or was ..
"Without having tasted lemon, could you still say sugar sweet?"
And if something like love can only ever really exist within this measure, then much like pain, love does not really exist
It is merely the absence of pain ...
In much the same way that it is only in the absence of love, that pain can exist
Either way ...
I used to think, from the moment I met her, that she was the one. The girl I had searched my whole life for. Something I used to believe proved that true love does exist
I now understand that this was likely little more than a means of freeing my mind of the illusion of this love, being any more than a counter measure to the pains we have experienced throughout our life
For all the pain we experience, being coding conditioned in the world ....
Our logical minds seek meaning within the existence of their counter
An equally pure love, to the pureness of the pain we have known
If I was wrong about the only girl I was ever certain of, and wanted to marry ....
Then maybe the lesson was never in finding a true love, to bring meaning to all the pain we know in this world
Maybe it was only ever about freeing me from the need to risk pain, in seeking such a love
Then it frees me from ever making the mistake of wasting time on any other woman who would (respectfully, in my eyes) amount to her lesser in this world
After 14 years, it has become less about turning away from any woman I may momentarily and pointlessly feel attracted to ....
Than it has become about needing to remind myself that it is OK to see beauty in women, even if I have learned to feel nothing for them
To remind myself, that is OK to feel happy when I see a beautiful woman. Or something beautiful in general in this world
I will not spoil or taint such beauty, by feeling something towards it
It's not quite learning to love myself, I know ...
But at least, I am starting to understand it's OK not to hate myself
That's it's OK to experience beautiful things, without it making me feel like I'm disgracing them somehow
It's OK to look at something beautiful, and feel happy because they are in the world
Happy that beautiful things exist
She once told me I was being selfish, because I asked her to have coffee with me. So I could actually sit down and talk to her for 5 minutes (to try understand why I felt so strongly for her)
This destroyed me in a way she'll probably never understand
I've never had money, or much of anything in my life
But everthing I've ever had, I've given to everyone I possibly can
I'll give my last dollar to someone who needs it more than me, something my Nan taught me when I was very young
I would spend all the money I have sending her flowers, then live on 2 minute noodles till next pay day. And I wouldn't even put my name on the flowers
Because I didn't expect anything in return, except to know I made her smile
I try so hard, to be the most unselfish person I possibly can. I never tell anyone its my birthday, so they don't make a fuss or buy me gifts
So being called selfish, for just wanted to have a coffee, really hurt me
Being kicked out of a pub where I was having dinner with my family, on the first real birthday I had celebrated, where I actually had my family together in the same city in 17+ years, shut me down emotionally, in ways I wouldn't realise until many years later
I stopped celebrating my birthday again, until recently when my brothers girlfriend started dragging me out and making me a cake
I stopped playing or writing music. I couldn't hear it in my head any more. I felt no love for it. I used to play guitar and sing for hours every day, I loved it so much. Now, I pick it up and feel nothing
I turn music off if I can
I stopped caring about myself, or anything
I stopped working. I stopped getting out of bed
I would wake up, feel miserable, realising where I am, and just want to go back to sleep
I would sleep up to 20 hours a day
Then I got sick
It took many years of self-deprecarion, and destroying myself, for me to again believe I am not a selfish person
And to start to realise that it's OK for me to want things ...
That I didn't need to give everything away, and have nothing, to feel like I was a good person
It's not selfish, to want things ...
Or to have dreams
Or to want to get to know someone, who makes the world feel beautiful and good just by being in the room
I've never really needed much to be happy
I've never really had that much in my life TO BE SELFISH with!
I'm not selfish
And I never was
I don't really want much from this world
I don't even really need to be loved ...
I just want to be allowed to love this world and those I care about
And I just want to be happy ...
.... But .... I would just really like to see my team play in Las Vegas next year đŸ˜‚
See them play one more time ...
Maybe even win
Then I could leave this world happy
But I'm probably not going to be able to afford it. And I don't really have anyone to go with anyway
I don't think I'm ever going to get better
But I'm starting to think, maybe that was the lesson to be learned in this world all along
Maybe it's just about letting go of everything
Like my old song lyrics
"Just got happy yesterday
And I'm already losing hope
Throw my dreams in, walk away
And I'm about to take it all"
Maybe the key to real happiness, is just giving up on ever really having anything?
Maybe the monks had it right all along?
Maybe everything we experience here is little more than exactly what we need to learn to let go of any attachment to this world (or anything within it)
The very first thing I said to Bradie, the night we met, was "I feel like I know you! Like we have met before. Or like we were always supposed to meet".
Maybe the key to breaking the cycle, is within its unending. So it can never return, to what no longer exists
Maybe that is why we were supposed to meet
Maybe it was never destiny as I thought it was
Maybe it was always just about breaking free of a cycle, that I didn't even know I (or possibly we) were subject to
Though it may sound strange, or hard to understand to those who have not experienced the cyclical nature of consciousness within this world ....
Maybe I was always meant to meet her ...
So she could free me from the expectation of ever finding or knowing someone like her
And the illusion of the perfect one ever existing, in a world of the imperfect many ...
Outside of possibly, a love for self, and being worthy of being loved
Maybe that is the only perfect and true love that is ever really possible in this world
"Strangely and curiously
The world was ablaze,
Thought I had not seen any
With fire here for days.
Though the middle may find
Itself stuck at the start,
It is not often
The end is late to depart.
When a good thing has gone,
We are depth of its grace.
The lingering flavour,
Of what once had been taste."
- Samuel Korn
No comments:
Post a Comment